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As a college student, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t constantly surrounded by, if not the victim of, deathly hangovers. We think we can handle it, we tell ourselves that tequila won’t hurt tomorrow, but oh how we lie. According to my expertise in the field, and the input of my close friends, I’ve arranged our dearest acquaintance, the hangover, into five distinct stages.
Stage 1: The 7 am Wake Up Call
Well you drunk sloot, you’ve done it again. You wake up at 7 am, unsure of how you got in your own bed, wondering why you had enough sense to put on pajamas but not enough to remove your choker, explaining the 4 am coughing attack. You don’t even begin to review last night. Your only thought is water, now, or I will actually not make it another hour. Chug chug betch, and back to bed you go.
Stage 2: The 11 am Rise and Die
Now comes the hour in which you wake up and actually remain awake for the rest of the day to face with your sins. Upon opening your eyes this time around, everything aches. You are terrified to roll over for fear of another wave of nausea hitting you like a freight train. You remain a horizontal corpse of a human for approximately another hour and thirty minutes, until the caffeine headache gets so painful you need to roll your body to the kitchen.
Stage 3: Deny, Deny, Deny
After several hours of being awake, multiple nausea spells, some possibly resulting in a one way ticket to yack city, you’re perched on that living room couch, or in front of the toilet (no judgement here), assuring yourself this MUST be the flu. You would never, ever inflict this much pain and suffering upon yourself. It’s simply not possible! Your dramatic ass is also so sure you’ve forgotten what it felt like to be healthy, and you’re positive you will feel this way forever.
Stage 4: Accepting Defeat
Oh my child, you’ve now wasted an entire day morphing your body and soul into that of a slug. Ah, but the hour has rolled around where you have finally come to terms with your drunken actions. You now admit that that fourth tequila shot may not have been your wisest decision, and this is not a delayed effect of the meal you ate last night, but in fact your own doing. Give yourself a round of applause party girl, you’re hopefully eating something by now. And fingers crossed, you’re laughing about the bits and pieces of memory that is slowly coming back to you. Or writing down a list of the people you now need to avoid for an entire month, again, no judgement here.
Stage 5: Your Inner Creature of Habit is Showing
The car rolls to a stop, the safety bar comes up, the roller coaster that is your hangover has finally come to a close. You jump off that ride, but not too fast that you upset that stomach again, treading ever so carefully. After you finally shower, cleansing yourself of the pain and agony, but rejoicing over the fact that you can finally stand again, your phone lights up. It’s Becky, and she’s got a killer party hookup two streets over. You lock eyes with yourself in the mirror, think “I can’t possibly do that to myself two nights in a row.” And suddenly the over-the-knee boots are on and there you are dancing on another table. Make sure you don’t forget to check in for your flight tomorrow to yack city 😉